Bob Garfield and Doug Levy explain the rules of the relationship era in their book Can’t Buy Me Like: How Authentic Customer Connections Drive Superior Results.
Dear Bob & Doug,
I run a social media platform serving one-seventh of humanity. Ironically, though we have one billion friends, we never, ever ask them what their wishes are before we impose changes to our user interface, our terms of service, our data collection policies or our news feed algorithm. One part of our philosophy is that sometimes it is better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. The other part of our philosophy is: “If you don’t like it, why don’t you take your online life to a competing social network where all your friends hang out, LOL.” Anyway, we wanted to freshen our logo, but instead of seeking ideas from our community, we just unilaterally changed it? Do you think this is arrogant?
— Mogul in Menlo Park
Dear Mogul:
Seldom has a logo refresh been so refreshingly well suited to a brand. We see you removed the light blue line beneath the lower-case “f.” Not only was it visually superfluous, it misleadingly implied you are in any way grounded to the earth you so dominate. The new version is more in your face: “We’re effin’ ‘f.’ Effin’ deal with it!”
Dear Bob & Doug,
I am a member of America’s First Family of morning chat shows. As you know, family life can be difficult, and along with the rest of the elders, I shunned my slightly awkward co-anchor until she finally got the message, took the money and ran. But a huge part of our audience followed her right out the door and now I am being vilified in the press as a conniving bully, and I’m about to lose my $25 million a year gig. How could we have kept the squabble all in the family?
— Today, but Probably Not Tomorrow, in New York
Dear Today:
We propose time travel, backwards. In contemporary times (or said another way, “Today”), no show, no brand, no institution can keep any untoward behavior confined within. In reference to one such 2011 train disaster, even China can’t keep scandalous behavior confined within … and it’s a police state. Your near future probably resides at a major cable network, where your old boss is himself trying to go back in time. Meantime, heed the old adage: Be careful how you treat people on the way up. You may meet them again on your way down.
Dear Bob & Doug:
I am an international teen idol with suddenly tall hair and the subject of lots of Twittercule because of a couple of sentences I left in the guest book at the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, which is either in the Netherlands or Holland or Dutchistan … I could never quite figure it out. Anyway, all I wrote was: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber,” but everybody went all crazy. Not just the Hollandaise — everybody. Dude, no offense meant. I understand Anne was murdered by the Nazis and all so she never really got to attend many concerts, but seriously, who was she gonna like, One Direction? Why is Twitter ganging up on me?
— Feelin’ Low in the Low Countries
Dear Feelin’ Low:
Two things: 1) You were a creation of Twitter, so take your lumps like a man. 2) A “belieber?” Seriously, you conceited little snot, some things are just not about you. Such as: the Holocaust.
Dear Bob & Doug:
We are a major political party that just got trounced in the presidential election, because we failed to include women and minorities in our “big tent,” and because one major faction of our party believes we are a Christian nation being tyrannized by evil forces, such as Obama and science. How do we forge relationships so we will fare better in the next election?
— Redfaced in Red States
Dear Redfaced:
Will you accept a couple of hypotheticals? Let’s say that the mass shooting of Connecticut school children had finally led to overwhelming public support for modest legislative safeguards. Don’t cave cravenly and venally to the gun lobby. Also, let’s say there was a shocking crime committed in Boston by two immigrants from Central Asia; don’t jump on that episode to scuttle a bi-partisan bill for immigration reform. Such conduct leads to unflattering public caricature. “Big tent” is a fine slogan. But it doesn’t work if the world can see your tent and it is still very small.
Image via iStockphoto, duncan1890
Advice for Clueless Brands on Social Media
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